


Peter Griffin And The War Against Peanuts

by Zoomblez



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (Anime & Manga), Family Guy (Cartoon), Home Improvement (TV), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate History, Alternate Universe - Politics, Blood, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Boxing & Fisticuffs, Communism, Crack, Katana, Patriarchy, Peanut Butter, Period-Typical Racism, Politics, Racism, Scat, Science Fiction, Urination, Vore, cum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:48:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27951842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoomblez/pseuds/Zoomblez
Summary: My dumbass friend wrote this and gave me permission to upload this here as a shitpost. Peter Griffin space communist and his rag tag team must fight space satan Jimmy Carter to free the world from capitalism. A lot of dumb shit happens, people die a lot.
Kudos: 1





	Peter Griffin And The War Against Peanuts

Peter Griffin slept in his recliner aboard the Space Shuttle “Lenin’s phallus”, only to be  
awoken by the sound of the craft breaking the sound barrier. He looked around and saw the  
team of American Communists he recruited to go on this perilous mission: Brian Griffin, Tim  
Allen, Bernie Sanders, Gus Hall, and Donald Trump. Peter turned over to Gus Hall and inquired  
“Hey Gus what do you think Jimmy’s going to throw at us?” Gus in his usual calm manner  
exclaimed “The Worst that damn cracker has at his disposal, he’s worse than Hitler cause at  
least Hitler had socialism in the name!”  
“I thought Hitler was a Fascist Gus?”

Gus Hall sighed but before he could respond the sound of laser shots, and missiles exploding  
shook everyone in the shuttle to their core. “We are approaching the target!!” The pilot Han  
“Peter Griffin” Solo said in a heavy Russian accent “They are throwing everything they got at us  
comrades.”

“Good Thing we have the bestest shuttle in the whole damn world.” Trump explained, hoping to  
distract from the piss, shit, and cum stains he had created. “In fact we have the most shuttles of  
any nation, Marx bless the Soviet Union.”

Peter, curious to see the show outside, looked out the window. The window was made not out  
of glass but an incredibly thick and transparent form of plastic. Like really transparent like there  
was nothing there at all, Trump refused to enter the Shuttle until he made sure that every  
window actually had a plastic window pane. Peter gazed upon the vacuum of space and saw  
dozens of Soviet Space Shuttles, primitive space battleships, and ICBMS fly towards the enemy… a giant model head of Jimmy Carter surrounded by American spaceships. Their  
shuttle had to bypass the blockade and land on Jimmy Carter’s nose and fight their way to the  
eye to disable this weapon. Should they fail…. *shudder* Peter did not want to think about it,  
and instead thought about African American crime statistics.

The craft shook violently as it was struck by a piss seeking missile, blowing a hole where  
Trump's seat was. Trump along with everyone was sucked out of the shuttle into space, with  
only their space combat suits keeping them safe from the void. Peter proceeded to T-pose like  
Jesus Christ as he and the crew drifted in space next to Jimmy Carter.  
Peter proceeded to give exposition to his inner demons“The whole Cold War has gone to shit!  
The American Capitalist machine is advancing at an astonishing rate, and many people are  
beginning to lose hope. I haven’t I am going to set things right and put a boot in Jimmy Carter’s  
ass!”

Activating his jetpack with the rest of the crew they traveled the final kilometer to the Carter, as  
humanity's first true space battle raged around them. Brian Griffin the tech specialist with a heart  
of gold noted how they could not land in the nose so they had to instead blow a whole hole  
through the Carter. After the detonation they managed to enter the Jimmy Carter N U T and  
gazed upon the capitalist decadence within.Peter and the squad entered in a cafeteria near the  
eye, that was filled to the brim with cookies, chicken, beef, and especially peanuts. Peanuts  
being a capitalist invention of Jimmy Carter were the most shocking and grotesque thing they  
witnessed, next to the mere concept of money itself. They managed to walk up an excruciatingly  
tall staircase (a whole 6 steps) to the eye where the man himself was.

“Remember,” Tim Allen said. “We gotta take this mutherfucker alive!” He then barged down the  
door to Jimmy Carter’s new presidential office. The two term president had statues aligned  
depicting his many accomplishments. One depicted him smiting the CEO of racism Goldwater in a boxing match back in 1968. Another him shielding MLK jr. from an assassin's bullet, and his  
later efforts to end racism. Another statue depicted Carter taking away and then returning the  
right to vote to women, along with ending Patriarchy. The last and final statue in the center of  
the room is of a peanut playing the fiddle. Underneath that peanut was the man himself J I M M Y C A R T E R.

“Your rain of terror is over Carter” Trump exclaimed soaked in piss, shit, cum, and peanut butter.  
“We are going to put you down”  
“You said it Donny the rest of the group chimed in”

Jimmy Carter merely stood up, and gazed upon the Communists, and uttered the worst possible  
phrase “You know why the Devil went down to Georgia? He was looking for a soul to steal,  
instead his was the soul that was taken.” Jimmy then unsheathed his 6 foot long Katana that  
only undercompensated for his massive peanuts.

Trump rushed at him with a submachine gun in hand only to slip on his piss, and slide over to  
Carter where he was promptly dabbed upon. Trump's soul was expelled from his body at the  
sheer amount of cringe as the blade went through his body.

Tim Allen and Han “Peter Griffin” Solo opened fire with their AK-69s only for Carter to phase  
shift into another reality, and naruto sprint towards them. Tim Allen pulled out his broadsword  
and directly struck at Carter, only for his blade to shatter on impact. Tim Allen then proceeded to  
use his repair skills to fix it, and struck Carter again, the blade shattered into even smaller  
shards. This went on for a while, until Carter looked him in the eye causing Tim Allen’s body to  
melt and his soul to be sent to Cracker hell, otherwise known as Racist black guy heaven. Han  
“Peter Griffin” Solo, unphased by this, attempted to vore the smaller Carter only for Carter to  
instead shove his peanuts in his mouth. Han “Peter Griffin” Solo had a peanut allergy and promptly began to die only for Carter to punch through his stomach and retrieve the peanuts for  
later consumption.

Gus Hall moved to shoot Carter with an Anti-Peanut gun, only for Bernie Sanders to shank him  
from behind. Gus Hall then proceeded to vomit precisely two liters of blood, and his dinner of  
two potatoes, and vodka. He gazed upon young Bernie Sanders face and asked “Et tu Bernay.”  
Bernie in response shrugged and walked away with the exaggerated swagger of a Jewish  
Social Democrat.

Peter “Lenin lover” Griffin now stood alone against Jimmy Carter. His team he recruited outside  
of a home depot had failed. He gazed upon his trusty subhuman companion Brian, and told him  
to eliminate Carter. Brian then gazed upon Carter and instantly combusted, only uttering a  
single phrase “Haven't you heard the bird is the word.” Peter then combs through the ashes,  
and looks at the ceiling which depicts the Sistine Chapel mural except Jimmy Carter is Adam,  
and God is the Devil. Peter cried out with tears flowing down his eyes “This doesn't feel like a  
Wednesday!!”

He then unshieved his 5 foot Wakizashi and began to sword duel with Carter. He blocked,  
parried, and dodged but in the process he was losing time. For this Jimmy Carter head was not  
designed just for vanity, it was designed to launch lasers at Moscow and Beijing, and disable all  
nuclear weapons on the entire planet. Should Peter fail Communism will end, by 1983 June 9th  
6/9/1983. But Peter despite his brutal training regimen of steroid pills, bench pressing five  
pounds, and two push ups on a bimonthly basis, not the one you are thinking of the other longer  
one, the one that means every two months like some magazines that no one buys anymore. For  
full clarification this is the bimonthly that is not twice a month, but once every two months. After  
less than five minutes of fighting Peter collapsed from exhaustion, Carter then walked over to  
his defeated rival and joked “You only lasted four minutes and twenty seconds, my pot smoking  
citizens would be impressed but I am not.”

A team of soldiers entered the room, not American soldiers, Japanese Magic Girl marines.  
JImmy nonchalantly said “Clean up the mess and take whatever you need for your sick  
experiments.”

The captain gave a short bow, and proceeded to drag Peter’s near lifeless body to a carbon  
freezing chamber. Carbon-freezing chambers were tibanna gas freezing technology used in  
Cloud City on Bespin to freeze carbon. "Vacuums" located on Bespin took in tibanna gas from  
the depths of the planet and released it into the chambers to be frozen for more convenient  
transportation. While the gas is suspended inside the chamber, liquid carbonite was applied,  
which cooled around the gas, freezing it. The remaining magic girl marines proceeded to talk  
about how love and justice smited the Soviet menace, along with their demon powers. The last  
thing Peter saw before he was frozen, was Jimmy Carter’s smile filled with the peanuts he had  
ripped from Han “Peter Griffin” Solo. Peter then slept for slightly longer than usual.

Continued in Peter and the Cyberpunk Magic Girl City, and Knuckles


End file.
